I fail people constantly in ways I don’t even understand.

My words are too few. My words are too many. I don’t give enough. I try to give too much.

It’s exhausting and I am weary.

I am weary of the practice of people pleasing. I am exhausted from acting like I have it all together even as the plates I have spinning in the air come crashing down around me. Plates full of people, feelings, responsibilities, and other assorted life stuff that needs my attention. I don’t know if anyone else struggles like this because frankly, I have been afraid to ask. I mean, really, who wants to talk about their failures? Who wants to share their fears about not being good enough? I don’t.

But I think I am supposed to. Because perhaps if I do, then someone else will, and then someone else will, and then, perhaps all of us doing this life thing together will start being real. We’ll stop hiding behind the façade of perfection and begin giving and extending grace.

So, Here is Nichole, removing the façade.

I question myself a lot. In my mind, my failures outweigh my successes. I take thoughtless words spoken by people and allow them to replace the truth in my life. I listen to the lies satan whispers in my ears telling me that I am the same selfish, unkind, unloving person I used to be. I allow a bad day or a bad moment to convince me I am none of the things I want to be. It’s no wonder I find myself weary and exhausted.

I want to break this cycle. I want to live in the freedom of God’s truth about who I am and not be deceived into believing things contrary to His truth.

The truth is that God has begun a good work in me. He is molding me, shaping me, and refining me. Because of who He is and who I am to Him, I am holy, chosen, and dearly loved. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress. I gratefully accept His grace as it covers my shortcomings. And I am trying to start extending that grace to myself. I am focusing on not allowing the approval of man take priority over the approval of my God.

I am trying to figure out how to be ok with failing people by not meeting their expectations of who they think I should be. I am trying to be okay with letting people down when they hold me to unrealistic standards and I am trying to extend those people grace even when they withhold grace from me.  I am trying not to let my failures define me and I am hopeful that those plates I have dropped will find themselves whole again, filled to overflowing with hope, grace, love, and acceptance.

“….being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Father God, thank you for who you are and thank you for your great love for us. We thank you for the good work you have begun in us, and that you will continue that work to completion. Help us to encourage one another and build each other up. Let us extend grace to one another and to ourselves. May our thoughts, words, and actions honor you. Because of you, Lord, we are holy, chosen, and dearly loved. May Yours be the only favor we seek. In Christ’s name, Amen.