I thought I had gotten through this brokenness. I thought I had released this to God for the last time. But alas…..I find myself holding onto broken dreams, dashed hopes, and doubt. Again. I despise this place. And I am frustrated with myself for falling back into the darkness when I know how beautiful life is in the light.
From the outside, I’m sure things look as they always do. I still get up each morning and go about my day. I still serve in the ministries God has given me. I still laugh and love, and find joy in my life. And I am grateful….eternally grateful for this beautiful life God has given me.
But my heart.
My heart aches for the child I do not have.
Does it negate all the blessings in my life when I continue to desire the one I do not have? Does this make me ungrateful or discontent?
Does it taint my prayers with a tinge of doubt? Because surely, if God heard my prayers, He would answer…….
But we remain childless…..despite the desires of our hearts to be parents. Despite all the requests by us and others for this blessing. The answer has not come.
I recently read a blog by a great Christian author about unanswered prayer. I desperately hoped this blog would help me understand how to move forward when prayers go unanswered for months, years, or lifetimes. But the blog ended with an answered prayer and happily ever after. YAY God. And YAY for those for whom the prayer was answered.
But what about the prayers that remain unanswered? The healing, the salvation, the child, the job, the marriage that never comes to pass? What do we do with those prayers….and what do we do with the brokenness they leave behind? I am struggling with this ya’ll. I really do believe God is who He says He is. And I know He loves Todd and me beyond all we can imagine. And I know His plan is good and perfect. But as much as I believe, I am begging Him to help my unbelief.
Because if I am not careful, I will view my lack of children as a chink in God’s armor. Making Him imperfect, impotent, untrustworthy, or uninterested. And this, my friends, is dangerous ground. Because God is none of those things and allowing myself to believe He is will slowly chip away at my faith. So like the father in Mark 5:24, I am asking God to help me overcome my unbelief.
“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 5:23-24
Father God, we come before you today in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Father, Thank you that you can handle our doubt and our questions. Thank you that you love us enough to meet us right where we are. Lord, you are good, even when we don’t understand. You are good, even when life looks different than we planned. God, I know you hear the prayers of your people. Today I pray on behalf of myself and others who have continually lifted prayers in your holy name. Prayers that from our finite human perspective have gone unanswered. I pray you would touch our hearts today Father. Help our unbelief. Bind up our broken hearts and encourage us in our walk so that we may draw nearer to you through this and not drift away. We love you, Jesus and we trust your perfect plan. In Your name, Amen.
8 thoughts on “Help My Unbelief”
I will be praying for you Nicole. I know you will be a great mother. May God Continue to give you strength.
Thank you Scott! i am grateful for your prayers.
I am praying for you dear friend. It is hard when our plans collide with His plans for our lives. There are no easy answers. I find for myself this means a work that only God can do in my heart, a constant stretch of faith to believe that God is good, that He has a plan and a purpose beyond what I can see. A faith that believes God can… but will He, and can I be ok with that. I’m not sure that this side of heaven any if us really get there. Perhaps that is part of His plan to grow and stretch our faith, keeping us dependent and focused Him.
My earnest prayer is that God will use this for His glory. Not just the good stuff, but the hard stuff….the stuff we don’t want others to know about. I am struggling, and as much as my default tells me to to hide my pain, God’s Spirit within me tells me to share my story. Thank you for your prayers, I am truly grateful for them, and for you.
Dearest Nichole…how my heart aches as I read this message. Having struggled with these very same thoughts, it brings up the question…if I am praying for something good..reasonable..in line with Scripture…and God loves me (and I know He does)..why would he say no? He has said no or not now or not in that way, and I think, do you love me? Can we get to the place where we say God….this is my heart’s desire, but I want what you want…I know you have perfect will and so I will keep asking(persistent widow) but I am leaving my dream…the prayer of my heart totally with you, trusting you know what lies ahead for us and really do act in our best interest..always..but how do we get there? Some things I give to him 50 times a day….sometimes once is enough. I know He loves you and I know He is trustworthy and I know He is good….some days that has to be enough…I am praying daily for you and Todd…you are loved..
No matter how this turns out, my prayer is for God to be honored and glorified. If that means I have to share the raw emotion of this journey, I am praying He will continue to give me strength to be real about my struggle. Thank you for loving on my and for praying for us. You bless my heart.
Thank you so much for your honesty and candor. I am battling an unanswered prayer for healing for my daughter and some days I get so discouraged, but your words reminded me today that peace is found when I focus on Him. Thank you for the prayer.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am so encouraged that God used this to speak to your heart. I love how He uses us to encourage one another. I have been praying for you since I read your comment. May God continue to encourage you and give you strength as you wait.