I thought I had gotten through this brokenness. I thought I had released this to God for the last time. But alas…..I find myself holding onto broken dreams, dashed hopes, and doubt. Again. I despise this place. And I am frustrated with myself for falling back into the darkness when I know how beautiful life is in the light.

From the outside, I’m sure things look as they always do. I still get up each morning and go about my day. I still serve in the ministries God has given me. I still laugh and love, and find joy in my life. And I am grateful….eternally grateful for this beautiful life God has given me.

But my heart.

My heart aches for the child I do not have.

Does it negate all the blessings in my life when I continue to desire the one I do not have? Does this make me ungrateful or discontent?

Does it taint my prayers with a tinge of doubt? Because surely, if God heard my prayers, He would answer…….

But we remain childless…..despite the desires of our hearts to be parents. Despite all the requests by us and others for this blessing. The answer has not come.

I recently read a blog by a great Christian author about unanswered prayer. I desperately hoped this blog would help me understand how to move forward when prayers go unanswered for months, years, or lifetimes. But the blog ended with an answered prayer and happily ever after. YAY God. And YAY for those for whom the prayer was answered.

But what about the prayers that remain unanswered? The healing, the salvation, the child, the job, the marriage that never comes to pass? What do we do with those prayers….and what do we do with the brokenness they leave behind? I am struggling with this ya’ll. I really do believe God is who He says He is. And I know He loves Todd and me beyond all we can imagine. And I know His plan is good and perfect. But as much as I believe, I am begging Him to help my unbelief.

Because if I am not careful, I will view my lack of children as a chink in God’s armor. Making Him imperfect, impotent, untrustworthy, or uninterested. And this, my friends, is dangerous ground. Because God is none of those things and allowing myself to believe He is will slowly chip away at my faith. So like the father in Mark 5:24, I am asking God to help me overcome my unbelief.

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 5:23-24

Father God, we come before you today in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Father, Thank you that you can handle our doubt and our questions. Thank you that you love us enough to meet us right where we are. Lord, you are good, even when we don’t understand. You are good, even when life looks different than we planned. God, I know you hear the prayers of your people. Today I pray on behalf of myself and others who have continually lifted prayers in your holy name.   Prayers that from our finite human perspective have gone unanswered. I pray you would touch our hearts today Father. Help our unbelief. Bind up our broken hearts and encourage us in our walk so that we may draw nearer to you through this and not drift away. We love you, Jesus and we trust your perfect plan. In Your name, Amen.