I have been trying to get pregnant for six years.  Six frustrating, disappointing, heart wrenching years.

While these words have broadcast through my mind a trillion times, I have never written them down. Because for me, writing them makes them real, it means God is going to make me share them, and frankly, I am not ready to share this part of my life.

But God is funny, and sometimes (read: A LOT of times) He charges me to do things I am not ready to do.  He urges me to step out of the boat, into the stormy sea and as the waves crash around me and the current tries to pull me under, He speaks to my heart and reminds me I am not alone. So, with His quiet urging and His assurance that He is with me, I will share my story.

I married my husband at the ripe old age of 33.  We IMMEDIATELY (like fresh from the altar) started getting a lot of advice about starting a family ASAP because, ”your biological clock is ticking,”  and the ever cheerful “pregnancy and childbirth are SO much more difficult for women of advanced maternal age.”

And yes, this is an actual medical term.

Thankfully, Todd and I dance to the beat of our own drums.  We’re not go with the crowd kinda people….and we were SO EXCITED to be married, we wanted to enjoy it.  So we waited a year before we even started trying to have children.  I must admit I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant. I expected to be sharing joyful news with our family and friends the next month, or the month after that at the very latest. But the months began to drag on and each of them found me on an emotional roller coaster of hopeful highs and disappointing lows.

I was so vulnerable, so emotionally weak, and so fragile.  I began to listen to the lies satan whispered in my ear.  “You can’t handle motherhood, so God is withholding children from you.” “The child you aborted? That was your chance and you blew it.” “You can’t even train a puppy, what makes you think you can raise a child?”

Ya’ll these lies were destroying me because I was allowing them to replace God’s Truth. I was so focused on the one thing I did not have, I was ignoring and taking for granted all the amazing blessings I do have.  I was becoming my worst nightmare….that bitter old woman who never had kids. I felt surrounded by other’s joyful baby news, and while there was a great part of me happy for them, my happiness was always accompanied by heartache for the child we did not have.

But our God is faithful, ya’ll. As Todd and I are obedient to Him and as we trust His plan for us, He has worked in our lives and blessed us in ways we could never have imagined. God has been clear that if we are to be parents, it is He who will bring that to fruition. He has instructed us to WAIT on Him, and as hard as it is to stand on this when the world around us is trying to push us toward the latest fertility trend, He has continued to bless us for our obedience.

I am not the person I was when this journey started six years ago. God has molded me, shaped me, chiseled me and refined me.  As I promise to praise Him through this storm and as I commit to serve Him, worship Him and seek Him while I wait, He is doing something amazing.  He is empowering me to praise Him not only in the midst of the storm, but FOR the storm. By and through His amazing grace, He has brought me to a point where I can praise Him for my struggle with infertility. Because without this struggle, my heart would still be divided between what I want and what God wants. But because of it my heart is aligned with His.

And I am peaceful. I am hopeful. I am joyful.

I cannot tell you this journey has been easy, but I can tell you it has been worth it.  I am still not pregnant and I may never hear someone call me Mama, but I believe in the depths of my soul, that even without a child to call my own, my life is blessed beyond all I could ask, think or imagine. I am choosing to focus on the plans God has for me because He promises to prosper me and give me a future and a hope. This is the mighty work of a God who loves us more than we can fathom.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Father God, we come before You in the name of Your son, Jesus Christ.  Lord, THANK YOU for the storms. Thank You that You have used the storms in my life to bring me closer to You. I pray God, that You will use our stories for Your glory.  May we seek you first in all things and Lord, please help us to trust You when things don’t look the way we expect. God You are sovereign and You are worthy of praise.  We love you Jesus, Amen.

I like to play God. 

It’s a shocking statement….and I must admit my stomach cramped up a little when I saw it in black and white. But as shocking and sinful as it is, unfortunately, it’s true. 

I like to control things, I like to direct paths, I like to fix stuff, I like to instruct, I like to maneuver, and if I am not very careful, I find that to accomplish all of these things, I also like to manipulate.  Wow. Not a very pretty picture of me, is it? 

Over the last year or so, I have been asking God to show me my heart.  This has to be one of the scariest prayers I have ever committed to praying, ya’ll.  My heart is wicked.  I think, say, and do things that are completely contrary to God’s instructions to me.  There are times I am not kind, loving, or patient….and I absolutely miss the mark on that whole gentleness thing.  When I see these things in me, I get discouraged.  I allow satan to convince me I am the same selfish, prideful, impatient, unkind, manipulative, unsaved woman I was 10 years ago.

But you know what?  Because of Jesus Christ, I am not that same woman. God tells me I am chosen, I am holy, I am dearly loved.  Because of Christ, I am not who I was, He is making me new.  Therefore, I can clothe myself with compassion, kindness, gentleness, and patience.  All those God honoring things I am unable to do in my own strength, I can do through Him.  And so can you. 

Are you allowing yourself to live in the shackles of your past?  There is freedom in forgiveness and there is new life in Christ.  If you know Him, allow Him to show you who you are to Him, you’ll be amazed at how precious you are to Him.  If you don’t know Him, may I encourage you to ask Him to speak to your heart? He can take away that bitterness, hurt, and shame…..and give you lasting Hope.

Father God, thank you, that You are good.  That Your love endures forever. Lord, only you can institute lasting change in our lives and You are the only unshakable foundation that infuses our lives with love, compassion, patience, kindness, and gentleness.  Forgive us, Lord, where we have tried to play God.  Where we have tried to manipulate people and situations and in turn seek to glorify ourselves and not You.  God you alone are worthy of our praise.  Help us to remember who we are in You and mold us in to the God honoring people You intend us to be. We love You, and we praise You. In Christ’s name, Amen.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12